Sex Terms, Scandal and Old Arguments

Sex Terms, Scandal and Old Arguments

All of the bullshit in the media these days reminds me of a conversation I had at a bar in Tennessee about two years ago.  It was late March of 2010, when I was somewhere in the Pigeon Forge, Dollywood, Gatlinberg area.  It was a town called Sevierville in eastern Tennessee.  I was travelling with some folks, who for the sake of this entry we will call Burt, Cindy and Lana (Jason’s girl) because they have to live in Tennessee.

We were at a place called the Tailgaters Sports Bar and Grille and it was on the river.  Great place, nice folks, great scenery but intelligent conversation is not something to expect in any bar.  This day and time was no exception.  There was a kind of hostility in the air as some folks watched the Fox Network as the President signed the healthcare bill into law and Vice President Biden commented “This is a big fuckin deal”.

Sitting next to me was a friend of ours, ‘Jason’ who was a young guy in his early 20’s from a farm in the area.  He left the topic of health care and started spewing all kinds of stuff about sex scandals, Richard Gere and sex with varmints.  Realizing Jason was a lightweight drinker (only halfway through his second beer) and having nothing better to do, I asked “what is your point?”

“Democrats always seem to lead this country into depravity with their loose sex and their scandalous heathen ways.”  

I said, “Really Jason, tell me where did you get this information.”  “Where everybody gets God’s truth, from brother Glen Beck and Fox News”, said Jason, mystified by my question.  “Jason, tell me about some of these sex scandals ‘Brother Glen’ spoke about”, then I listened intently.

“Well, Beck talked about Condit fuckin the girl who disappeared and that she was probably killed to keep it a secret….and all kinds of other stuff, but I got it…its all about destroying marriage and giving faggots rights to marry…I can’t say it like he did but I know what he was talkin’ bout”.  Jason finished his beer and ordered another one, which I  bought for Jason, about that time Burt and Cindy got back from the pool table after a game of eight ball.  Lana finished her video game.

    Jason said, “Democrats are leading us down the ‘wrong path’, they don’t have ‘our values’”.  Lana asked, “Wow, what values are those?”  Jason said “You know, going to Church, worshiping our God, having regular sex…”  I said, “Well Jason, like you I’m a Republican, but what kind of God and what kind of sex are you talking about?”  

Jason spurted, “You know, they (Democrats) worship that Vishnu, Allah-baba, Krishna God like Obama does.”  I said, “Wow, there’s a lot of Southern Baptists that need to change parties.” “And the weird sex those Congressmen and Senator ‘perverts’ have in the White House, them Democrats are all fuckin perverts” said Jason.  

The bar was loud and apparently Jason didn’t get any attention from the patrons outside of an ‘Amen’ from, I guess another good ol’ boy who gets his information from the same place Jason does.  Lana had to keep this conversation going by asking “what kind of sex do they have in the White House Jason?”

Jason said, “I heard their into ass fucking, ass-licking, cunt sucking, pissing on each other and all kinds of stuff with shit.”  About now I was getting another beer because this was going to be better entertainment than the comedy club.  Cindy looked at Jason like he was a lost little boy in front of a Turkish Bath House.  Cindy said, “so your not into ‘snowballing’ or working your woman for a ‘Dirty Sanchez’”.

Jason stared at her shook his head and said, “it don’t snow much in Tennessee and why should I work my woman for an illegal alien?”  Lana laughed hysterically as Burt chimed in and had to school young Jason, because it was apparent his ‘urban’ and sexual vocabulary was woefully inadequate, even in Southeastern Tennessee. Burt said, “seriously you don’t know what snowballing is?”  Lana said, “Me and Jason aint been dating that long and I’m not that kind of woman.”

Burt said, “First off, ‘snowballing’ is when your woman blows you and you come in her mouth and she tongue kisses you spitting the ‘come’ back in your mouth… You never did that huh?  Jason’s eyes were open and he was sucking air through his mouth.  “No…I guess that’s the weird sex they was talking about” said Jason as both Lana and Cindy were giggling to death.

 Burt asked, “so I sure as hell can guess you have no idea what a ‘Dirty Sanchez’ is do you?”  Jason said, “I’m not sure I wanna know.”  Burt said, “‘Dirty Sanchez’ is when you get done fucking your girl in the ass, get some of the slime from her hole and put a moustache on her lip with your finger or your dick.”  Jason turned bright red as he quickly sucked down some beer.

“Stop it Burt before you blow his mind away” said Cindy as Lana held his hand.  Jason was sitting across from Burt, locked in a stare, like a deer in the headlights.  But Burt continued, insisting, “he’s got to know this stuff.”  I said, “Yeah, Democrats do other weird sex too, so you listen to what Burt tells you.”  "OK RJ, let me go on"…I gestured graciously that he continue.

“So you never gave Lana a ‘pearl necklace’?”  Jason said, “I don’t make that much money.”  Burt said, “a ‘pearl necklace is when you spurt your jizz all over Lana’s neck and shoulders either by jerking off or tit fucking her.”  Jason said, oh my God, isn’t that…I mean, wasting sperm, I mean…can’t you go to hell for that?”  Burt said, “Have you ever jacked off?”  Jason turned red again and started to shake, looking at all of us like we were from outer space.

I said, “Yep, this is the kind of stuff Democrats do, but some Republicans have also stepped into this weirdness, you know…them so called ‘moderates’.” Burt said, “come on RJ, let me help him here.”  I said, “excuse me Burt, please continue.”  Burt said, “Have you ever had ‘cream pie’?”  Jason thought about it and said, “no just pumpkin, sweet potato, apple, cherry, peach cobbler and lemon meringue.” 

Burt said, “‘cream pie’ is when you let your wad loose in her pussy then watch it ooz out, you can catch it on your tongue and snowball her or you let it ooz back out on your dick and have her lick it off and swallow.”  Jason’s eyes had grown large, he was sweating and confused.  Jason looked down at his ‘manhood’ which had become hard, Lana noticed and put her hand on it.

  

I said, “I’m surprised that ‘the news’ didn’t let you know about all this ‘pervert’ sex the Democrats and the turncoat Republicans were doing.  Of course being a good Republican you’ll never do anything like this with Lana or any other woman, will you Jason?”  Burt said, “Knock it off RJ, this is what guys do now, Republican or Democrat…this has been going on even before the Roman Empire.”

Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Ger­man­i­cus
 (more popularly known as Caligula)
Emperor of Sex and Murder.

Jason asked Burt, “is this what they do in Washington?  I mean, they do all this scandalous, nasty stuff and then pretend to be good people?”  Burt said, “forget politics, this is what people do, everybody does this kind of sex and those who don’t are the hypocrites, because they’re either gay or a serial killer.”  Jason said, “Democrats and Republicans…are both of ‘em, nasty deviates, not all of them, are they?  It just can’t be.”  Jason was confused, shocked and had a hard on.

I said, “Jason, there are Republicans and Democrats who actually do it with and to each other.  Sometimes more than two of them, did you know that?”  Jason said, “bullshit, that can’t be.” (he reminded me of when Darth Vader told Luke, “ I AM YOUR FATHER)  I said, “sometimes they get together and do a ‘daisy chain’”.  Jason , looking confused said “they get in circle and hold hands?”

Cindy was in the middle of swallowing her beer when she spurt it out and started gagging in response to Jason’s ‘daisy chain’ answer.  Burt gave Cindy a napkin and then asked Jason, “seriously, you don’t know what a 'daisy chain' is?”  Jason braced himself and said, “OK, what is it?”  Burt, looked at Cindy who blinked her eyes then he looked at Lana who wrapped her lips around her bottle and then looked at Jason.

Burt said, “a daisy chain involves three or more people, we’ll call them AA, BB and CC.  Its when AA is giving BB a blow job, while BB is giving CC a ‘rim job’ and CC is eating AA’s pussy.  Get it?”  Jason, who now held his beer with two hands said, “more than two people getting it on…oh Lord.”  Then Jason asked Burt, “what’s a 'rim job’".  Lana said "tonight, when we get back to Maryville, we’re going to a motel where I can explain things a whole lot better.”

Jason did stare at his beer, sweating and in shock, he said, “Republicans with Democrats, Democrats with Republicans, Conservatives with Liberals, Liberals with Tea Party folks…America is going to hell.  This is all because of Obama and his healthcare plan.  People will stop fearing God if they’re not afraid to do it to each other.  This must be some kind of socialist plot.”

Burt said, “Thats it, let’s go.”  So we went.  Later the next week Lana called Cindy to relate how she turned Jason into a total sex freak and how he loved a three way with her Nigerian coworker Paula.  Lana said to Cindy, “Paula had a strap on and he let her bang him good, but he wouldn’t let Paula give him a blow job cause that would be ‘mixing of the races.'” At some point being a Republican, a Democrat, Black or White, straight or gay doesn’t matter.  But then Jason goes to Church and watches Fox News.

RJ