Deer Hunt 2011

Deer Hunt 2011

The Order of Giimoozabi KeeMoSabe also known as “Bwana” convened its inquiry on Fred almost immediately after the hunt on Saturday afternoon.

It was early Saturday Night and the ‘Dark Inquest’ was called to order. ‘Old George’ presided over the hearing. Bernie called the hearing to order. At that time Lucky presented his testimony to the inquest.

“He shot at a Yearling, not just that but fired at that deer outside of the directed hunting area near a populated area with buildings” said Lucky. “How many shots were fired at the Yearling?” growled Old George. “Four Shots” Lucky said with an attitude. Lucky was dismissed and the Order called its next witness who was escorted by her Father. She was a 9 year old girl.

Old George made sure the girl was comfortable in the hunt club meeting area with a bottle of water and a candy bar. Old George asked the little girl, ‘Suzie’ what she saw. “I looked out of the window at my Uncle Lucky’s and saw that man (pointing at Fred) shoot Bambi…then he took out a knife and…and…” Suzie then started to cry. Old George said ,“That’s all, thank you Suzie.” Suzie and her Dad (Lucky’s brother-in-law) then left the hunt club.

Then Ricky was called to testify. Ricky recounted “Fred fired the first shot that essentially gutted the Yearling, but the animal was still alive. Fred fired two more shots that brought the Yearling down, but the deer was still alive. Fred fired his fourth shot to the yearling’s head which finally dispatched the animal.” Old George asked, “did you believe that at anytime that Fred was a safety threat to the other hunters or the hunting environment?”

Ricky swallowed hard and answered in one word, “Yes”. Old George had Ricky step down. Old George said that he had heard enough and was ready to render a decision. Old George took the Dark Order into a closed session. The decision was rendered in 15 minutes (it took that long because they had to get down the first few beers).

Old George delivered the decision. “You will surrender your Ulster County buck tags and be suspended from hunting the area for this season. Although you were in total compliance with State regulations you violated this Order’s safety and conduct codes. You are also fined 15 cases of beer which must be delivered in 30 days or risk dismissal from this Order. Do you understand and comply?”

Fred, with a look of utter disgust on his face said, “I will.” The Dark Inquest adjourned and we went back to N.F.’s place near the landing zone. Fred bitched and moaned how he was railroaded, how his own son felt he broke the rules and how his ‘friends and fellow bwana’ did not speak up much in his behalf. That’s when Bernie went off. Bernie had sat quietly through Fred’s rant until he talked about ‘friends’.

Bernie was one of the ‘Dark Elders’, a Senior member of the Order of Giimoozabi KeeMoSabe who decided the punishment for Fred. “Listen Fred, I might sound like a dick but if N.F. didn’t get me on scene while the hunt was going on Lucky would have closed the hunting grounds down and R.J. would have butt stroked you. Your too old to be fucking up on the hunt, you might be too old to fucking hunt.”

Before Fred could draw another breath, Bernie laid into him some more. “As far as tags for the county go thank God that Jake lent you tags or you wouldn’t be hunting in the first place…you don’t have tags to turn in so it’s no money out of your pocket.

Also, what’s with you fucking up the hunting area…pissing all over the place, deer can smell that for miles. That’s why no deer show up when you hunt and that’s why I don’t hunt with you.”

Bernie kept rolling, “You have no respect for the hunting area, no respect for the environment and no respect for yourself, if you did you wouldn’t show up to the hunt half hung over and you would show a little more radio discipline when you communicate with you fellow hunters…that’s why you have an earpiece so the deer don’t hear the mike being keyed and figure out that it’s not a nature sound asshole.”

Fred slumped in his chair and said “so you guys want me out?” Bernie snapped, “No dick breath, we need you…your going to be our example to the young hunters coming up on what not to do when hunting. Besides your good for at least another 10 cases of beer, but don’t worry, I’ll bleed you slowly. Does that make you feel better Fred?” Fred said “oh yes, fuck me real slow.” Fred then snapped “You guys make me out to be a total asshole and that’s not necessary.”

“OH YES IT IS” quipped N.F. as he piped up, … “Fred, your losing your eyesight, your hearing and your common fucking sense but to send home the message what were going to do is make sure you follow all the way through with your ‘harvest’.” Fred turned pale as Bernie walked him out to the barn where N.F. had earlier tied bull horns on the yearlings bloody head and hoisted up its bullet mangled carcass on a block and tackle, head down to bleed out.

Bernie had Fred skin the yearling with his bare hands getting blood all over himself. Fred, now bloody was directed by Bernie to butcher the deer under his direction, something that Fred swore he’d never do because he found it ‘gross’.

“Yeah, Fred…you shot the illusive ‘Yak Deer’ now on the endangered species list (N.F. had several pictures taken of Fred with the yearling with the Bull horns on its head) don’t you feel like a big time game hunter, don’t you Fred.” “Get off my case N.F.” shouted Fred then Bernie picked up where N.F. left off. “Pay attention to what your cutting Bwana, your almost as good a hunter as Elmer Fudd.”Fred doesn’t mind shooting animals but likes to have professional butchers do the dirty work. Fred was feeling the guilt and remorse for taking the yearling as N.F. goaded him mercilessly.

But the end of the matter wasn’t going to come until all souls got back inside N.F.’s house. Lucky showed up with his little niece Suzie. Lucky sat down with Suzie and had Suzie meet Fred whom she was both angry at and terrified of. This encounter was what Fred needed, more than this, it helped Suzie understand things a little better.

“Mr. Fred why did you shoot Bambi…what did Bambi do to you?” Fred said, “Suzie we hunt because there are a lot of deer, so many that many will starve to death, and many more will cause accidents being hit by cars or causing the people who hit them or try to avoid them to die in car accidents. We hunt deer and use the meat to live on, we make meals from deer meat to help us lower food bills.”

“But Bambi was a baby…do you eat baby deer?” N.F. looked at Fred like the persecuting attorney at a murder trial and softly said, “that’s a good question, Fred, do you eat baby deer?” Fred was sweating, “If we throw Bambi away her little life would be taken for nothing and that would be more wrong than having shot her, which was a really big mistake on my part because we don’t shoot baby deer which are called Yearlings.”

“But you did shoot Bambi, didn’t you” cried Suzie. “Yes I did, and I was punished for it and I can’t hunt at Lucky’s farm anymore this year. Suzie, I’m sorry I shot Bambi. There will be other Bambi’s that will grow to be big strong deer because they will not be shot at by the good hunters who hunt, and I will be a good hunter from now on. OK Suzie?”

Lucky said to Suzie, “Mr. Fred said he was sorry, are you gonna accept his apology?" Suzie said “OK, don’t shoot anymore baby deer.” Fred, red faced and humbled said, “I promise, I won’t.” Suzie said “shake on it” and Fred shook Suzie’s hand. Lucky and Suzie bid everyone good night and went back to their home at the hunting grounds in Ulster County (about half hour from N.F.’s). Fred found a corner in the den and lamented with his friend Gordon, that is, the bottle of Gordon’s Gin.

Sunday’s hunt was totally non-eventful, Fred was there, sitting on the porch while we were out in the woods. A big doe did come into my firing zone. I took aim and fired. The shot fell short and the doe bolted. When we got back to the truck and headed out N.F. said, “you shoot bulls-eyes at the range, but a Marine rifle expert misses a doe so big you could have it with a rock. Feeling guilty about hunting RJ?”

“Nope, that big Doe was pregnant…let’s wait a year for another target to shoot at N.F.” I felt there was no need for any more excitement this weekend. No need for inquisitions and regrets.

RJ